TEAR DA CLUB UP...NEW YEAR'S STYLE

If you have at least one friend or have any human interaction whatsoever this time of year, you’ve probably been asked the question “What are you doing for New Year’s?”

It seems like there’s so much build up to Christmas after Thanksgiving and we are physically and financially still recovering from the mayhem of the holiday only to have NYE dropped on us one week later. Hopefully, ladies, that guy you’ve been sleeping with bought you a sexy pair of heels for Xmas because you know you don’t get paid until the 1st.

So what are you doing on the 365^th night of 2011? Stay home and watch Ryan Seacreast struggle to understand what poor Dick Clark is trying to mumble the one night a year they let him out of the house? Toast at midnight with your mom since dad passed out after dinner and a glass of wine? Or do you venture out with the crew to a club? Hmmm…you need some fun so you decide to hit the club. Sounds fun right? Here are some reasons why you should avoid a club on New Year’s Eve at all costs. I mean avoid as in sex a girl with three kids that doesn’t believe in birth control, anal sex or abortions.

First thing you need to know about NYE is that Dec. 31st is to clubs what Black Friday is to retail. Club owners are greedy vultures by nature, but they might as well rob you in the parking lot. Overpriced VIP tables and inflated cover charges. And they don’t give you any foreplay or lube before they rape you out of your cash. The same club you go to with a $10 cover, is now $50 and up. Plus you and your girls have to wait in a long ass line; the hoe in the crew is mad because it’s a windy 34 degrees and she’s not wearing panties…again. If you pay more than $20 to party at a club in your own city, then you’re an idiot. IT’S THE SAME SHITTY CLUB NEXT WEEK, MINUS THE DORKS IN 2012 GLASSES TRYING TO SLOBBER ON YOU AT MIDNIGHT.

NYE is going to be overly packed anywhere you go unless you’re at grandpa’s Rotary Club party, so deal with it. Don’t bitch to your friends when you get there or Tweet/Facebook/Etc “OMG its soooo packed at Club Douchebag right now! And I have to pee!”

I’ve been out on NYE and wondered where all these people come from? Where are they the other 51 weekends of the year?  New Year’s is one of those party holidays that brings out the club rookies and the boring couples that try to “spice up” their lackluster social life one night a year to get dressed up and dance awkwardly to songs they’ve heard on the radio. “Hey DJ, its 9:30, can you play Party Rock Anthem?!” Who wants to pay a stupid amount of money to be standing shoulder to shoulder in a club with drunken sweaty people? You can get a VIP, but they jacked the price up three fold on that too. Nothing like spending $1,000 to sit on a fake leather couch, drink cheap vodka and wear party hats.

Besides over paying to be crammed in a hot sweaty space like farm workers in a field worker van, you might not even make it home or even make it home alive. Police turn driving on NYE into downtown Baghdad with an army of patrols and checkpoints. DUI’s suck. DUI’s really suck when you wake up in jail and didn’t have get to have sex with the chick you spent that $1,000 in bottle service on. If you don’t get a night in the drunk tank, you might be killed.  The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reported that in 2010, 10,228 people died in alcohol related accidents; 415 occurred during the last half of December alone.

We can’t all jump on the private jet, drink Ciroc and party with Diddy in Vegas. Maybe staying in and playing a game of Decipher What Dick Clark Said over Patron shots, doesn’t sound so bad.